Nightmare 2/27/14 free writing

Dream starts off at “the island” with my family (parents) and my own children. House walls made of cedar and it smells comforting. I descend a steep spiral staircase to leave. It was urgent that I left because a huge snow storm was coming. As I am leaving I see my childhood horse in his old paddock. I turn to my father and say “Is that leiman?” He says that it is. I go to leiman and he is whiter and stronger but I can hear his stomach groaning. He is also grunting and snorting but in a quiet calm way. I say to my father “He is starving- he needs to eat.” My father shrugs and walks off. I find some scraps of hay and feed him. Feelings are the horse is dead despite my efforts. My phone is now receiving many txts and voice-mails from stephen screaming at me to leave right now (its concerned anger.) I go to my jeep and its parked in the road in a very dangerous position where a car coming up the hill would not see it and rear end it. My mother says “Dad got the car all ready for you.” I am afraid to get into the car but the snow is falling faster and the conditions are worsening. Its night.  I start to get the kids in the car when a huge truck comes up the hill. I try to move faster but looking in to opposite direction I see another huge truck followed by 2 gigantic snow plows with big round lights. The feeling- trapped, stuck and helpless in this situation which cannot end well. I jump in the car as it is struck by the semi from behind. Ally is in the drivers seat and Dunk is beside me in the passengers. We are pushed into snow- thick icy snow surrounds the car…. I wake up and Ally is driving the car in the poor weather conditions but we are ok…..

I dont know where my kids are but the idea that they were okay and not in danger was there. I walk on the road in bright daylight. Its not snowing but there is snow everywhere. A police man walks ahead of me and with a long stick is poking the snow banks. He pokes a bank and a large chuck of snow falls off revealing a small car with people inside. Looking in the windshield I can see a family with several small children. They are frozen but not yet dead. The windshield was pulled off and snow was inside the vehicle up to their waists. I take off my coat and I scoop up a small child and wrap him warmly. The mother asks me to give the coat to another child because shes smaller. I look over at the baby and its obvious the child had frozen to death. I can’t look back at the mother because my heart is broken for her. Next to the dead child was a dead monkey staring at me. I leave and go to a house where my still broken jeep and children are. I am upset as I arrive because I realize that my phone was in the pocket of the coat I gave the child and now I have no way to contact stephen. The owners of the house are not happy I am there and keep asking me to work on the car to get it going. The starter is dead and I know that. I get the car running and test drive  it. The steering wheel is locked and my breaks are gone. I crash. Returning to the house the people are not around except for this guy who is my age and very attractive. My kids are off playing happy somewhere. There are bottles of sour rotting milk all over.

*_*_*_*  I’ll leave out the horrific tractor trailer accident I saw because it was weird and didn’t feel like it belonged in the dream - it was like I was watching it from a sky angle or movie angle rather than being in it. Also leaving out the ending of this dream as it gets rather sexual lol.

Google interpretations are:

To see snowstorm in a dream portends frustration, sadness and disappointment.

In some dreams it suggests feeling neglected or ‘left out in the cold’, and occasionally appears in dreams connected with feelings about death.

To dream that you have been rear-ended could mean that something from your past is still impacting you now in some way. You need to learn from the past and acknowledge something that is holding you back in order to move forward.

rescue others represents an aspect of yourself that has been neglected or ignored. You are trying to find a way to express this neglected part of yourself. Alternatively, it symbolizes an subconscious cry for help. Perhaps you are too proud in your waking life to ask for assistance.

To save a child in your dream signifies your attempts to save a part of yourself from being destroyed.

To see a dead baby in your dream symbolizes the ending of something that was once a part of you.

To see in a dream dead monkey leads to successful settlement of the situation, in which you get.

Steering Wheel: Dreams that focus on the steering wheel show you how much control you feel you have in your life and the direction it is taking. Driving a car with a steering wheel that is not working means you are feeling as though you are losing control.

Dreams with car brakes normally have to do with the brake not working efficiently. This usually means that you are doing something that is blocking the achievement of your goals. You are either doing something counter productive or your fears are slowing you down from getting to where you need to be.


(Source: sharontzn, via the-wolfs-girl)


Personal growth- looking back

(please forgive grammar, spelling and runaway thoughts)The past 2 - almost 3 years have been the most difficult that I think I have ever faced in my short time here on this planet. There has been a lot of healing and growth on my part as a person. I will say moving off “the island” and being on my own away from family has been the starting point of this time period. I have learned a lot. One of the hardest lessons, but by far the most beneficial was falling in love with myself. Quieting that voice of negative self distruction and hatred gave sound to another side of me. A side that I had been searching for all along. The peace and quiet I tapped into with the simple phrase “its okay.” Learning to self soothe and depend on myself. Believe in myself. Perhaps this did devalue relationships with just about everyone in my life as I separated myself  emotionally. Only when I realized that I was utterly alone in this world did I stop placing such value on outsiders and their opinions and began to value my inner self. In the end- the lonely bare room of my soul- was all that I had. I looked around the empty, shallow, tattered room of my being- Remnants of previous colors and decor- weathered and broken -represented the person I tried to be based on what was expected of me. Being alone in this broken state gave me the room to discovered who I was and I began to repair and beautify this damaged room.

I became comfortable with the uncomfortable. When I needed confidence and needed to silence my fear I forced myself to face it. To stare it down until it no longer caused a reaction. Standing in front of a glass wall I looked down 6 stories to the lobby below. The height made my head swim and thoughts of falling took over my brain. I could feel my heart beating faster and a my lungs expanding. I felt alive in primordial mammal sense. I stepped back and listened to my body calm and my blood to cool. Then I faced the wall again. I did it repeatedly until there was no more rush of fear. I took that lesson and applied it to driving anxiety, social anxiety and anything that pretty much upset me.

Healing doesn’t mean the pain goes away. Healing for me was learning to deal with the pain and not let it consume me. Accepting what is. My father does not love me. It sucks- I will always have a twinge of heartbreak when I see happy father daughter relationships. It’s ok. It’s not my fault- I did my best but the reality is that I can not make people do anything. I can’t make someone love me. I had to let go. It is ok to fail. I accept my failures whether I was at fault or not. I don’t believe in pride. When I feel defensive I like to pause and reflect on why. Yes- its difficult and uncomfortable. I am learning a lot about myself. Am I a better person? I don’t know. I am a happier and calmer person though.

I have learned to protect myself. I don’t have to be the self- sacrificing person who puts themselves last. I don’t have to invest myself in emotionally  draining relationships for the sake of having another person around. I took power away from negative words. They are words- empty and meaningless. I give them power by letting them tear me down. I am better than these negative opinions and I will not absorb the hate, insecurity and anger they are loaded with. It’s not always easy but mentally it is just turning the page. In the end- does any of it matter? What really matters during our short time on this earth.

I do feel like I also have a lot more compassion for people then before. I feel I listen more. Part of me is intrigued to find out what is going on in their brains. I am curious about what they feel. This compassion is a double edged sword at times because I have yet to master the balance between apathy and empathy. Empathy seems to bring pain and apathy leaves me feeling somewhat disconnected from humanity.

I still struggle and my emotions still get the best of me sometimes. I still feel a lot. I still get envious, prideful, defensive and irrational bitchy. Its okay though. I have a safe place to go back too and get back on my feet again. It can be an ugly cruel world but it can also be beautiful wonderful place. There will always be storms and crashing waves but its my choice now to weather them on my little vessel or helplessly crashing about in the water.



Put coconut oil in your hair, exercise, take hot showers, massage lotion into your skin, eat food that makes you feel good, stretch, lay around in bed, and listen music that makes you feel happy. Just do you.

(Source: kuttymolle, via freshfitnessgirl)



Selected works from illustrator Hugleikur Dagsson (Hooligan).

(Source: really-shit, via crossconnectmag)


Found some old homeschool journals…

I wrote a lot as a child and I have boxes in storage full of notebooks from around 3rd grade up until around the time I was married. I found and old journal tucked away on my book shelf while cleaning today. I am guessing it was written when I was about 9. Inside was a mix of things.  I conclude I was a weird child. I found lists- tons of lists! Lists of words to remind my self to use- utilize, irrepressible, sumptuous, beguile, obliquely. Lists of carefully planned out gifts for each person in my life. Freakishly well done diagrams of household electronics. Pep talk / self hate phrases written repeatedly. “Get up at 5:30. Do all your work quickly, Don’t stop for breakfast, Just do your work early.” A recipe for a drink I used to like that called for warm milk and balsamic vinegar and just one tea spoon of honey. I think I spent too much time alone. At the end of the journal was a little paragraph scribbled in red ink that I must have wrote while waiting in the car. It read:

Hi! I am at the Deli. I hope christmas comes soon. I love to write and ride horses, socialize, and think about driving. When I grow up I want to enjoy my life and have lots of parties.



(Source: snowballwar, via daddyfuckedme)


This is real life stuff.

So there is a breast health issue that I have. I am in a high risk category now after the surgery. The spot showed up a few months ago or so. I don’t do the monthly exams or anything- I know, I know. Doctors in a week. I have been telling everyone that its nothing to worry about, I am too young, its whatever etc. I told my Stephen that it was probably cancer and I was going to die. He quickly said “don’t think that!” and tried to give possible harmless explanations for the issue. He loves me too much. He is just as miserable as I am in this life and it hurts even more to think about dying and leaving him to face this stormy life alone. Life isnt so miserable when we are together. I tried not to cry but it would be just my luck to live this short confusing life and right before it got better I just died. I don’t believe in karma, Jesus or any other fantasy story made to band-aid real life problems. I feel so deeply hurt when people give you those “comfort lines.”  I don’t know if this issue is really serious or not. It could be anything at this point. I’m just feeling really bad right now and these tears wont stop falling. I am thinking about death a lot. I think about my loved ones who are gone. Everyone dies. Everyone dies alone. You are alone in death. You experience it alone. You may be surrounded by family and loved ones- but you die alone. Even if you die with someone else who is dying- you still die alone. I don’t want to die right now. I don’t want to be sick. The worst part about dying is your family slowly watching you fade and get sicker over the months. I couldn’t bear to be such a burden to them. I feel like a burden to them as a healthy individual- I think if I was sick it would be worse. I already made up my mind if the doctor has bad news that I am not telling anyone except Stephen and that I wont get chemo. No one would understand my reasons so its best not to say anything at all. Freewrites over- time to go play Uno with Ally.

"Sometimes it’s not the people who change, it’s the mask that falls off."

Unknown (via selflessheart)

(Source: awakenedvibrations, via daddyfuckedme)